i have been slightly restless as of late.

School is slowly becoming harder and harder, which is what i thought it would do I just don't know if I am prepared to handle it. I am going to be here at least until May but I feel like I already checked out of Tucsaloosa mentally. Tuscaloosa isn't a bad city, I just know I am meant for something else. My professor talked the other day about walking in your destiny... and I feel like I know what I am meant to do, but everywhere I turn people are discouraging me of that. Which in all reality doesn't truly matter because all I need to worry about is if it is what God has called me for.

He will take care of me.

I just wish that people would be more encouraging about the rough and challenging road I feel like the Lord has called me to. Sure it will be rewarding beyond my imagination and He will provide for me, but I have no idea how I am going to get there.

This all is sounding pretty depressing, but it's not meant to be. I have been discouraged lately but I have also been soaking in the Lord and finding my peace within Him.

He is so faithful.

Well this was really only for me to write out, sorry if you feel like you just wasted your time.. I can't find my journal right now so I figured this was the next best thing :)

The Ranch

The past two and a half weeks have been nothing short of amazing. The Lord has revealed so much to me and healed so much! It is so fantastic. The people I have met are so beautiful in every way. Tuscaloosa is haunting me though. It's the last place I want to go, but I have a plane ticket saying I will be there on the 16th...

I am going to make the best of it... focus on my last year of school so I can graduate in May. After May though I am out of there. Where will I go? Right now I would be content wherever the wind took me. California seems to be calling me though... which would be... interesting and I am pretty sure it would be worth it. Paris has always been in my mind but my funds are low and with this economy it would take a lot to live over there...

I know I am in the place the Lord wants me in though, and that He will show me His desires for my life, so I am not too worried about it.

This weekend is a staff retreat which should be a lot of fun! I am pretty excited about getting away with everyone for a couple of days!

My Life, My Dance

I will dance through my darkest moments and my despair, with the world against me and my feet on the edge. For You I will dance till the end of my days, until You carry me away.

With my heart heavy, my feet will remain light. i will dance parting from the anguish, for You, Father, will supply me with my music. You will be my rhythm. I will dance till I can smile once again.

Even though my smile will not last forever, it will be enough for a lifetime, because the joy You give is everlasting. I dance through my hardships, and through my stress, and it is for You.

There is no greater gift than what you have already given me, forgive me for the moments when I forget You are all I need. For this I know, that the greatest dances are not done alone. Without you my dance would be meaningless. I am not my own, You are the one that moves me.

This is my gift to You, a dance, it will not be perfect, it will be far from the best, but it is from the depths of my heart.

For You I will dance.

Proverbs 31:25

" She is clothed with strength and dignity,
      and she laughs without fear of the future."

He is with me. 

My hope is in Him.

I have never been less fearful of the future, and I know it is because He has given me a peace. Though my faith falters I am constantly reminded that He will take care of me like He always has. Recent events that occurred in my life knocked me so far down and I know that it was the enemy trying to seduce me into believing that my Father abandoned me. I am ashamed to say that I almost gave in and believed that for a while, but my Lord is graceful and merciful and He showed me that His love and plans for me surpass my capacity to understand, and that He has been here all along. The love I have witnessed between my parents and my brothers in these trying times have shown me such a beautiful light and it has re-awakened a fading hope i had in humanity. 

There will always be wicked men in our world, but we have to remember to seek the Lord's love and remember that in the end He will prevail and that He reigns powerful on His thrown. 

He is LOVE, GRACE, MERCY, BEAUTY, POWER, and I can call Him my Father. My heart is overwhelmed with joy right now... words truly can't express how delighted I am, I just want to dance and praise Him! 

- ashley

- 26 days till the Ranch :)

First Blog

For starters I'm not too sure why I created this... I don't think I will tell anyone about it... at least not for now... I have been trying to work on my real journal more lately... so this could potentially hinder that... but hey I can't sleep.

I had the strangest feeling tonight. It was because of you. I woke up and my heart was falling to the pit of my stomach. When it finally crashed at its final resting point my mind raced back to the dream I was having. It was you... and it was terrifyingly vivid.

I was waiting on you to turn the corner. That's all I wanted. I just wanted you to walk around the building. I was screaming for you to. It would have only been a few steps but you silently stood, stubbornly set in your ways. Frustration was all my dream knew. I was on my knees, begging you to take the 3 steps you needed to. You never did, and you never will. 

My dream didn't make me sad because you didn't want to turn the corner to see me. It made me sad because you wanted to so badly but the fact that somewhere along the way you built not only a wall but a fortress to confine your feelings you couldn't be transparent, not for a second, not for me. 

I just wish we could press rewind, and realize what this would do to us. We would have been so much wiser.